


Fire, Help Me to Forget

by melekinh



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Twin Hawkes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 13:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16787668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melekinh/pseuds/melekinh
Summary: A look into the diary of Rina Hawke.





	Fire, Help Me to Forget

I swear, I don’t know what goes on in Ry’s head- if there’s anything in there at all.  
  
That was mean.  
  
But he deserves it. Especially today. Aveline asked us to help her take care of something for the guard. _Aveline_ , who’s done so much for us. And he was nowhere to be seen.  
  
I don’t know why I expect anything more. I should know better.

* * *

  
  
I dreamt of rage again last night. I’m normally so attentive... I let it get to me last night. I almost...  
  
I’ve been praying again.  
  
Father always said our magic was a gift from The Maker. I’d pray for him to take it back, if I wasn’t so afraid of earning his ire for even asking.  
  
I don’t want to go to sleep.

* * *

  
  
~~_Lov_~~  
  
~~_His_ _e_~~  
  
_~~I try not to love him~~ _  
_~~I try to convince myself~~ _  
_~~I could never deserve him,~~ _  
_~~Perhaps loving him is the reason-~~_

_~~I do~~ _

* * *

I don’t know how Ryland does it- makes everyone adore him the way they do. He makes it look so effortless. Every time I try I just look silly. No one ever looks at me like they look at him- like they want me there. I Iike to think sometimes...  
  
Listen to me. I’m wallowing.  
  
I wish Bethy was here. It was always easier to be around people with her. She could always make me laugh. People like me better when I laugh. It’s so hard to find reasons to though.  
  
Ryland’s always laughing. I think he does too much, but no one else notices.

* * *

  
  
Fenris and I

* * *

  
  
~~Fe~~

* * *

  
  
There is no Fenris and I.  
  
Well, that’s not entirely true- there _was_ a Fenris and I. but I know I ruined it. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have…

  
It was stupid of me to even think he would... I don’t blame him. We rushed things. I thought- I was so happy. I thought he was happy too- I thought for once I had done something right, I’d found what I was looking for and we...  
  
I don’t know what I was thinking. I know how he feels about people like me. And now he’s hurting, because of me. I ruined everything with one of the people I hold dearest to my heart. I don’t know where we could possibly go from here.  
  
Hurting. That’s all I can do.

* * *

  
  
We helped out that chantry brother again. And Ryland actually came, shockingly!  
  
I’ve seen much of him as of late. Not Ry- that’d take a miracle. The chantry brother. Mother and I have been going to the chantry often- I never thought I’d find as much comfort in The Maker as I now do. I’ve always believed, but lately, with the dreams... when I wake, sweating and gasping in fear, I pray.  
  
Something tells me he hears me. Perhaps...  
  
But now I’ve gotten off topic. The chantry brother, Sebastian.  
  
I had words for him, but I seem to have lost them. I enjoy his company though. Things have been lonely, since. Well.  
  
I’m used to being alone. I’ll survive as I always have.

* * *

  
  
That was rather mopey, even for me. I’ll always have Mother. And Aveline. It’s not fair to dismiss them so.

And Ryland I suppose. Perhaps. Unless he forgets where I live one of these days, which I wouldn’t put past him.

* * *

  
  
Sebastian often walks me home from the chantry in the evenings. I know I ought not to look into it- not after-  
  
He knows I could take care of myself. He knows I’m not delicate, or soft, no matter how hard I try to play the part. He knows what I can do. And he still- _still_ , loops his arm through mine so softly, like I’m fragile.  
  
He makes me feel... I don’t know. But I’m feeling. And that’s...  
  
Perhaps The Maker has heard me.

* * *

  
  
_gasping, grasping, not letting go_  
_finding comfort_  
_and absolution_  
_in this, in here, in now_

* * *

  
  
It has been some time since I’ve written... Ryland’s teasing has been never-ending since Sebastian and I.  
  
Yes- that’s happening now. Sebastian and I. Officially.  
  
We... _Maker_ , we’re going to be _parents_.  
  
I’ll admit, we did not go about this gracefully. He did not initially intend to forsake his vows. But I’m glad he did. I cannot wait to meet her, and I know he cannot as well.  
  
I don’t know how I know we will have a little girl, but I do. Her name will be Maven.  
  
I pray she never has to carry hardship in her heart. That I can protect her from all of it.  
  
Listen to me, already worrying about goodness knows what. What an awful habit.

* * *

Things with Fenris are

Goodness, I don’t even know how they are.  
  
We never talked about that night. I can’t help but think he looks sad when he sees me sometimes. I’m likely reading too much into it though. I often do.  
  
But he and Sebastian are friends, and for that, at least, I’m glad. I don’t know what I would do, if they were at each other’s throats the way Anders and Fenris always are.

* * *

  
  
Maven will come any day now- something tells me sometime this week. Anders said it is like that sometimes. Sometimes a mother will just know. And I do. I’m going to see her- going to hold her soon.  
  
I cannot think of any greater joy than seeing who she will grow to be.

**Author's Note:**

> things rina hawke does in her diary: write amateur poetry, make fun of her twin brother, and mope. and i can’t blame her, quite frankly!


End file.
